Monday, March 1, 2010

March comes in like a lion!

A personal aside, which I do not prefer to do, but it's fully on-topic...

I was abandoned at birth and raised by multiply-abusive (yes, all of that) adoptive parents who did not even sleep in the same room, was beaten by the local children, sexually molested by a neighbor and once by the local kids, and one event I'm not clear on. I ended up wanting to die, even at an early age, such was the intensity of my emotions and vulnerability. I very nearly died at 13 in an "accident" which I knew was manifested by my desperately wanting to check out.

The point is that, even with six-plus years of addiction recovery only by the grace of a loving God and now one year of successful treatment for "severe" bipolarity, that I hadn't managed (and wasn't willing) to truly face and release the experiences I've been through, and their emotional results/knots. I have been truly powerless in my life, and it has been humiliating, at the least. Horrific, at best. As the AA 12x12 states in the first sentence of the first chapter:

"Who cares to admit complete defeat?"

With the advent of the energy of the last week, I have been completely defeated, even prayed over and over, "I am completely defeated". Surrender was the only solution for the overwhelm which was upon me. Which I never, ever wanted to again consider. Which very, very nearly was a complete deal-breaker. The fear, the helplessness, the humiliation, the victimization, the self-pity and self-hate...the "pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization." (AA Big Book, page 30.)

I'm through the worst of it, having only survived through ego-puncturing, surrender, the admittance of incapability to deal with it myself. I prayed "I am completely defeated" and it was lifted from me, =as I became willing to release it and to face an uncertain future without it=. Change is uncomfortable, even to and especially for those who have been beaten into a box of comfortable suffering- because change may invite something even worse. We become willing to accept suffering if it somehow prevents even further suffering from occuring.

This is no longer possible. The planets are, according the the DemocraticUnderground astrologer(s), in a place where we -must- change or be drawn down into destruction (and reincarnation in the same sort of situations, but elsewhere). On an energetic level, which is my range of skill, I fully agree with that, and have of course been saying so in this blog as I've also known it to be the trend. We must leave behind any comfortable suffering and be willing to face the new, no matter what it reveals. One of my teachers said that life is like being on a diving board, in the fog. The next step may find you falling, but staying in the same place becomes intolerable. Those of us harboring suffering, fear, and of course, outright malevolence, must now face it and become =willing= to change, or the pain increases, forcing us into Very Large Choices.

Myself? I have posted that the last few days sucked more than a vacuum cleaner convention, and I'll stick with that description. It is only due to my unwillingness to face the truth of myself, of my experiences, of the need for growth into the new, positive energy. If you are reading this, you may very well be in the same place. Theses pages are dedicated to providing you with medicine and remedy for such. Yes, I am taking my own advice, and it's working. I am taking the advice of others (the Anonymous literature/groups) because it works. Everything that I have shared here -works-. I hope that using it will benefit you greatly. Peace, and Praise God!